| A Time to Live Surviving Suicidal Thoughts |
| DISCLAIMER: This website is provided as an educational resource and should not be substituted for the diagnosis and treatment of a medical or mental health professional. |
Strategy 7: Relational Support Systems*
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Without the sustenance of quality personal relationships, your life will starve from emotional isolation. It is essential to connect with caring people so that you can build sustainable support systems into your life. |
| “It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:7-8a |
Analysis of suicide data demonstrates that there is a correlation between the quality of the relationships in
our lives versus the likelihood of becoming a suicide statistic. Building a sustainable support system of
meaningful relationships in your life is one of the keys to eliminating overwhelming feelings of
hopelessness and isolation.
Why are relationships important?
I am convinced that a lack of adequate relationship support is a key factor in the development of suicidal
ideation. And not just any type of relationship, I mean close relationships that have depth and quality. You
know the type I mean. We all yearn for relationships in which we can be appreciated, understood, safe and
just be ourselves.
This is because God created us for relationships. He created us to be in relationship with Himself. He
also created us to be in relationship with one another. I cannot help thinking that when we lack the key
reason for our being, that it stands to reason that life can be nothing but unbearable. I am not saying that a
lack of quality relationships is the only underlying cause of suicide, but I am suggesting that it is one of the
leading key factors in the equation.
Depression frequently has its roots in the dysfunctional relationships of our lives. If you improve the quality
of your personal relationships, I am convinced that the overall quality of your life will be greatly improved.
We will be addressing depression is a separate chapter. While depression is the leading direct cause for
suicide, it is my personal opinion that the primary factor that determines if a person suffering from long-
term clinical depression will commit suicide or not is the quality of their relational support system. The
less support a person has, the more likely feelings of hopelessness and isolation will overtake them.
Having people to talk with about our feelings provides a built in release valve for our pain level thus
improving our ability to cope with that pain.
Without meaningful relationships, we become emotionally starved and placed in a weakened state. This is
why building relational support systems is equated to a survival kit food ration packet. Support systems
nourish our souls for long-term emotional health.
The Relationally Challenged
I have come to realize that there is not a definitive scale for defining levels of human relationships. I have
also realized that none of the scales fully address my personal situation. This being the case, I will toss
my hat into the ring and create my own scale specifically for what I call the “relationally challenged.” I began
using the term “relationally challenged” while I was going through the most difficult portions of my own
counseling. It was my humorous way of referring to myself as a person who has great difficulty initiating
and maintaining personal relationships.
I was talking with someone a while back who pointed out that most people only have a couple of really
close friends over their lifetime. This person pointed this out to me as a means of helping me to feel better
about the lack of close friends in my life. But I was not encouraged.
How could I go an entire lifetime with only a couple of meaningful friendships? Then the thought occurred
that we are talking only about friendships, not all our relationships. For someone who is married with
several children and is close to their parents and siblings, the role of friendship is rather limited. This
person already has numerous meaningful relationships. A couple of close friends would be a great bonus.
Now, what about people who are not married and have no children? People who have no close emotional
ties to immediate or extended family? These people enter the friendship arena with relational deficits. This
was my reality. There was not one single person on the planet to whom I could say I was emotionally
close. I was created for relationships yet I had no meaningful relationships in my life. No wonder I was
depressed to the point of not wanting to live. I felt completely alone every single day. Can you relate to what
I am talking about?
Types of Relationships
What would a relationship scale for someone like me look like? This scale would have to take into account
the reality of my relational deficits. After giving this some thought, I have identified five types of relationships
that are essential to addressing my relational challenges. I call these the Champions, Family, Sporadics,
Pals and Confidants.
Champions: Our Relationships with Training Wheels
These are formal relationships where there are ground rules expecting an honest sharing of your thoughts
and feelings. These are relationships with people such as pastors, counselors and mentors. I find this
relationship type to be essential for someone dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts because of
the typically poor quality of existing relationships. The Champion provides a typically safe relationship with
little risk.
Family: Our Reconnection with the Family Tree
These relationships are with people to whom you have a family connection. They may be parents, siblings,
distant cousins, aunts, uncles or even in-laws. A weak support system within the family has been one of
the most critical factors in my own suicidal ideation.
The family is our first relational training ground. It is designed to give us instant relational support. While
you may not have had the advantage of experiencing this type of stability, it is not too late to address the
state of your family relationships. You can still select several emotionally safe family members with whom
to pursue a deeper connection.
Keep in mind that when making selections in the family arena to pick members who will be safe choices. If
there are dysfunctional aspects to your family dynamics, you do not want to select people that have the
potential of derailing your long-term healing process. Do not become discouraged if you do not have any
safe family members. When you start to build your relational support system, an allowance will be made to
fill this gap.
Sporadics: Our Friendship Candidate Pool
For the relationally challenged, this is your primary candidate pool for new personal relationships. These
are your coworkers, classmates, church congregation members, club members and other such folks.
These are the people you see in the normal course of your week but with little relational depth. You seldom
invest much of yourself in this relationship type even though you may share an occasional lunch hour or
attend a baby shower together.
I call these relationships Sporadics because of the unpredictable nature of the one-on-one quality time
component. True friendships are not something that happen because of mutual schedules but because of
a commitment to make time for the relationship.
Sporadics do have great potential of developing into true friendships. These are people with whom you
already have a level of familiarity. Inviting someone you already have some sort of contact with to lunch is
an easy and comfortable way to test the relationship waters with little risk. We all have access to potential
new friends through the Sporadics in our lives.
Pals: Our Playmates
These are people we consider friends. These are the people we can call when we want to go to lunch or
catch a movie on a Saturday afternoon. These are the people that we may call for a chat on a Tuesday
evening when there is nothing on TV. These are the people with whom we can share the story of our really
bad workday. These people are similar to the playmates of our youth.
Our Pals are there when we need to be entertained or comforted. While we share many thoughts and
feelings with our Pals, we tend to reserve our deepest fears, hopes and dreams for the next type of
relationship.
Confidants: Our Inner Circle
Jesus had twelve disciples. Of these twelve men, three of them were considered to be His inner circle.
These were the disciples to which Jesus was closest. These were the three men that accompanied Jesus
to the garden as He agonized over the upcoming events in which He would bear the sins of the world. I call
these people Confidants. This is a mutual trusting relationship in which both people know one another
extremely well.
You share your most intimate hurts and fears and hopes and dreams with your confidants. You know you
can trust this person to maintain a confidence. You know this person has your back even during difficult
circumstances. A confidant could ask you the difficult questions about your life that not even your Pals may
feel comfortable asking. You and a confidant tend to have the other person’s best interest at heart.
On some levels, the relationship with a Confidant and a Champion are very similar in that we are able to
share our true selves. The difference is that a Champion is typically a formal relationship in which the
Champion does not tend to share much personal information. A Confidant is a reciprocal relationship in
which both parties share their true selves. This is why I refer to a Champion as a relationship with training
wheels. You gain wonderful practice at being the real you with little risk of the other person abandoning you.
Evaluation Time
Now that we have reviewed the relationship types, it is time for you to examine the state of your own
relationships. In Part 1, you will categorize your current relationships. In Part 2, you will select ten
relationships to strengthen.
Click here for the Relationship Evaluation Worksheet.
our lives versus the likelihood of becoming a suicide statistic. Building a sustainable support system of
meaningful relationships in your life is one of the keys to eliminating overwhelming feelings of
hopelessness and isolation.
Why are relationships important?
I am convinced that a lack of adequate relationship support is a key factor in the development of suicidal
ideation. And not just any type of relationship, I mean close relationships that have depth and quality. You
know the type I mean. We all yearn for relationships in which we can be appreciated, understood, safe and
just be ourselves.
This is because God created us for relationships. He created us to be in relationship with Himself. He
also created us to be in relationship with one another. I cannot help thinking that when we lack the key
reason for our being, that it stands to reason that life can be nothing but unbearable. I am not saying that a
lack of quality relationships is the only underlying cause of suicide, but I am suggesting that it is one of the
leading key factors in the equation.
Depression frequently has its roots in the dysfunctional relationships of our lives. If you improve the quality
of your personal relationships, I am convinced that the overall quality of your life will be greatly improved.
We will be addressing depression is a separate chapter. While depression is the leading direct cause for
suicide, it is my personal opinion that the primary factor that determines if a person suffering from long-
term clinical depression will commit suicide or not is the quality of their relational support system. The
less support a person has, the more likely feelings of hopelessness and isolation will overtake them.
Having people to talk with about our feelings provides a built in release valve for our pain level thus
improving our ability to cope with that pain.
Without meaningful relationships, we become emotionally starved and placed in a weakened state. This is
why building relational support systems is equated to a survival kit food ration packet. Support systems
nourish our souls for long-term emotional health.
The Relationally Challenged
I have come to realize that there is not a definitive scale for defining levels of human relationships. I have
also realized that none of the scales fully address my personal situation. This being the case, I will toss
my hat into the ring and create my own scale specifically for what I call the “relationally challenged.” I began
using the term “relationally challenged” while I was going through the most difficult portions of my own
counseling. It was my humorous way of referring to myself as a person who has great difficulty initiating
and maintaining personal relationships.
I was talking with someone a while back who pointed out that most people only have a couple of really
close friends over their lifetime. This person pointed this out to me as a means of helping me to feel better
about the lack of close friends in my life. But I was not encouraged.
How could I go an entire lifetime with only a couple of meaningful friendships? Then the thought occurred
that we are talking only about friendships, not all our relationships. For someone who is married with
several children and is close to their parents and siblings, the role of friendship is rather limited. This
person already has numerous meaningful relationships. A couple of close friends would be a great bonus.
Now, what about people who are not married and have no children? People who have no close emotional
ties to immediate or extended family? These people enter the friendship arena with relational deficits. This
was my reality. There was not one single person on the planet to whom I could say I was emotionally
close. I was created for relationships yet I had no meaningful relationships in my life. No wonder I was
depressed to the point of not wanting to live. I felt completely alone every single day. Can you relate to what
I am talking about?
Types of Relationships
What would a relationship scale for someone like me look like? This scale would have to take into account
the reality of my relational deficits. After giving this some thought, I have identified five types of relationships
that are essential to addressing my relational challenges. I call these the Champions, Family, Sporadics,
Pals and Confidants.
Champions: Our Relationships with Training Wheels
These are formal relationships where there are ground rules expecting an honest sharing of your thoughts
and feelings. These are relationships with people such as pastors, counselors and mentors. I find this
relationship type to be essential for someone dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts because of
the typically poor quality of existing relationships. The Champion provides a typically safe relationship with
little risk.
Family: Our Reconnection with the Family Tree
These relationships are with people to whom you have a family connection. They may be parents, siblings,
distant cousins, aunts, uncles or even in-laws. A weak support system within the family has been one of
the most critical factors in my own suicidal ideation.
The family is our first relational training ground. It is designed to give us instant relational support. While
you may not have had the advantage of experiencing this type of stability, it is not too late to address the
state of your family relationships. You can still select several emotionally safe family members with whom
to pursue a deeper connection.
Keep in mind that when making selections in the family arena to pick members who will be safe choices. If
there are dysfunctional aspects to your family dynamics, you do not want to select people that have the
potential of derailing your long-term healing process. Do not become discouraged if you do not have any
safe family members. When you start to build your relational support system, an allowance will be made to
fill this gap.
Sporadics: Our Friendship Candidate Pool
For the relationally challenged, this is your primary candidate pool for new personal relationships. These
are your coworkers, classmates, church congregation members, club members and other such folks.
These are the people you see in the normal course of your week but with little relational depth. You seldom
invest much of yourself in this relationship type even though you may share an occasional lunch hour or
attend a baby shower together.
I call these relationships Sporadics because of the unpredictable nature of the one-on-one quality time
component. True friendships are not something that happen because of mutual schedules but because of
a commitment to make time for the relationship.
Sporadics do have great potential of developing into true friendships. These are people with whom you
already have a level of familiarity. Inviting someone you already have some sort of contact with to lunch is
an easy and comfortable way to test the relationship waters with little risk. We all have access to potential
new friends through the Sporadics in our lives.
Pals: Our Playmates
These are people we consider friends. These are the people we can call when we want to go to lunch or
catch a movie on a Saturday afternoon. These are the people that we may call for a chat on a Tuesday
evening when there is nothing on TV. These are the people with whom we can share the story of our really
bad workday. These people are similar to the playmates of our youth.
Our Pals are there when we need to be entertained or comforted. While we share many thoughts and
feelings with our Pals, we tend to reserve our deepest fears, hopes and dreams for the next type of
relationship.
Confidants: Our Inner Circle
Jesus had twelve disciples. Of these twelve men, three of them were considered to be His inner circle.
These were the disciples to which Jesus was closest. These were the three men that accompanied Jesus
to the garden as He agonized over the upcoming events in which He would bear the sins of the world. I call
these people Confidants. This is a mutual trusting relationship in which both people know one another
extremely well.
You share your most intimate hurts and fears and hopes and dreams with your confidants. You know you
can trust this person to maintain a confidence. You know this person has your back even during difficult
circumstances. A confidant could ask you the difficult questions about your life that not even your Pals may
feel comfortable asking. You and a confidant tend to have the other person’s best interest at heart.
On some levels, the relationship with a Confidant and a Champion are very similar in that we are able to
share our true selves. The difference is that a Champion is typically a formal relationship in which the
Champion does not tend to share much personal information. A Confidant is a reciprocal relationship in
which both parties share their true selves. This is why I refer to a Champion as a relationship with training
wheels. You gain wonderful practice at being the real you with little risk of the other person abandoning you.
Evaluation Time
Now that we have reviewed the relationship types, it is time for you to examine the state of your own
relationships. In Part 1, you will categorize your current relationships. In Part 2, you will select ten
relationships to strengthen.
Click here for the Relationship Evaluation Worksheet.
*Abridged from A Time to Live: Surviving Suicidal Thoughts by Kimberly Andry
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